The Body

The cards...

Characters: The Alien Disguised as a Human and The Dude Who Always Says "Dude".

Setting: The Lunar Colony.

Problem: A Dead Body.

Resolution: They Were Never Seen Again.

The story...

Only Dude knew whom, or shall we say, what, Ted really was.

Dude had been at a party one night and kept seeing a giant bunny walking around amongst the guests. He had been pretty sure he was hallucinating. Having dropped acid earlier that day, then liberally partaking of the illegal party favors since he had arrived, Dude was severely chemically altered and he knew it. All was well.

Except for that damn giant bunny.

Dude had kept his eye on it most of the evening but had lost track of it while raiding the kitchen on a mission to quell a serious case of the munchies.

"I notice you’ve been watching me" came a voice from behind Dude, startling him and causing him to spray Cheeze Whiz all over the counter.

"Dude! You made me, like, totally waste this Cheeze Whiz!" "Dude, you totally have to help me clean this up or the dude that owns this place is gonna be pissed and never let me come to another party, dude."

Desperately scrambling through his pockets Dude came up with an old library card and began scraping up the Cheeze Whiz and putting it on anything edible he could find. And then scarfing it up just as fast. It was a hard core case of the munchies after all.

Focused intently on the task at hand it had taken Dude a while to notice that the hands of the person helping him were really giant paws.

Slowly becoming aware that his grip on reality was slipping, Dude had stopped cleaning and turned to really look at who was helping him.

It was all he could do to not shout “Dude, you’re a freakin’ bunny!” when he faced his helper.

“Umm… Dude, umm… Thanks for the help, umm… Dude…” mumbled Dude.

“No problem” said the giant bunny “I’m sorry I startled you.”

“Dude, it’s, umm, like OK dude, I think we saved, like, most of it dude.”

“Can’t say I care for it much myself, but I know it has its fans and I hate to see things go to waste” replied the bunny.

Dude had been pretty rattled to have a giant bunny talk to him but decided to chalk it up to the drugs.

“Act normal” Dude had thought to himself “Gotta maintain.”

“My name is Ted, are you Dude?”

“How the frick does this giant bunny know my name?” Thought Dude.

“Dude, like, how did you, like, know that, dude?” “ ‘Cause dude, like, that’s creepy dude” “Dude, are you like, psychic, dude, or somethin’ “

“No.” “I’ve heard a few descriptions and you seemed to fit the bill” Ted replied.

“OK dude, like, no problem dude, but you’re still creepin’ me out dude.”

“I’m sorry Dude.” “I certainly didn’t mean to creep you out.” “I just wanted to talk to you for a bit because you seemed curious about me.”

“Dude, like, you’re a freakin’ rabbit dude!” “Dude, like, do you think like, people, like, won’t look at you dude?” “Dude, like, no freakin’ way, dude.”

“You think I look like a rabbit?”

“Dude, like, you’re totally lookin’ like a freakin’ rabbit right now, dude.”

“Hmmm… this is interesting.” “Would you care to come with me to visit a friend of mine?”

“Dude, like, no way, dude!” “Dude, like, one giant freakin’ rabbit is enough for me, dude!” “Besides dude, like my buzz is really kickin’ in now dude and like, dude, I don’t like, want to waste it dude and this party rocks, dude.”

“I see…” “My friend probably has some killer stuff to party with, but if you’re not interested I understand.”

“Dude, like, killer stuff, dude?”

“Probably outside the bounds of your imagination I should think.”

“Dude, like, why didn’t you say so, dude.” “Dude, like, let’s hit this friends party, dude!”

Ted took his new friend Dude to an old abandoned warehouse building downtown and knocked on the door. A few months before he and a few of his crewmembers had set up a base there to use for examining the local populace as part of their mission.

“Dude, this is my friend Tom” Ted said as the door was opened by a giant toad.

“Tom, this is Dude.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Dude” he replied “Come on in.”

“Dude, like, you’re a freakin’ giant toad, dude!” Dude said jumping back as Tom reached to shake his hand. “Dude, like, did I say that, like, out loud, dude?” “Dude, like, sorry about that dude, like my buzz is like, totally kickin’ in now dude and like, I think I’m startin’ to trip dude.”

“That’s OK Dude, don’t worry about it.” “These things happen.” Replied Tom. “Come on in.”

Tom led Dude and Ted through a corridor into a large dim room hazy with smoke. It was heavily decorated in a bizarre clash of styles with lots of couches and overstuffed chairs. It looked like your typical party den to Dude, only with a lot higher budget.

The only odd thing about it in Dude’s mind was the fact that it was jam packed with animals. Giant rabbits like Ted, toads like Tom, a few cats, some ferrets and even a hamster or two. All impeccably dressed and carrying on conversations with each other. Like it was perfectly normal.

Dude of course chalked it up to the acid.

“Why don’t you join the party and mingle for a bit while I talk to Tom” Ted said as he gently took Dude by the arm and guided him into the room.

Catching the eye of a cat standing nearby Ted motioned it over.

“Sally, this is Dude. Dude, this is Sally”

“Umm… Like, pleased to meet you, dude, er, chick” fumbled Dude.

“Sally, will you show Dude around and get him set up with some party favors, Tom and I have a few things to discuss.”

“Sure Ted, purred Sally, Come with me Dude” she said licking her chops, took Dude by the arm and led him into the party.

Dude wasn’t sure at first about going off with a cat into a party of animals, but the lure of party favors overcame his fear and soon he was having the time of his life.

Meanwhile, Ted and Tom had gone into a private room for their discussion.

Ted started with “He sees us.”

“It did take me by surprise when he called me a toad” said Tom, “I’ve never had that happen before on this planet.”

“Judging from his reaction to the party I think he sees all of our forms.”

“How can that be?” mused Tom, “We researched the humans so well before we risked staying on the planet.” “What is the cause of this anomaly?”

“We obviously need to study this Dude subject so we can improve our cloaking methods.” “I’ll notify command and get a scientist on the project as soon as possible.” “We can’t jeopardize the mission now.” “We must continue to monitor the humans and they are neither ready nor capable of being able to deal with sentient life outside of their own.” And with that Ted headed off to the Com center and left Tom to go back to the party.

Command agreed this situation needed further study by their scientists and ordered Ted to get the subject to the lab as soon as possible. After letting him party until he passed out, Dude was taken to the transport center and teleported up to a scout ship. The aliens kept a heavily cloaked supply of them in low orbit around the Earth to provide regular shuttle service between it and their Lunar Colony.

Set up on the dark side of the moon to avoid detection, the colony was home to thousands of aliens. Originally designed as a monitoring station for keeping track of the Earthlings and their impact on the galaxy, it had also become a major intergalactic hub. Species from near and far used it as a way point as they traveled about the universe and trans-galactic shipping had a major presence as well.

The aliens had had a bit of a scare when the Earthlings sent men to the moon. Fortunately the technology available to the humans was limited enough to keep them on the planetary side of the moon and the bases cloaking devises were more than enough to let the aliens avoid detection. Some of the flight lines on and off the colony had needed adjustment over the centuries as mankind’s technology improved, but it was nothing that couldn’t be managed. If the occasional ship or other evidence was spotted it just fueled the humans need for the unexplained. In fact the humans ability to imagine the worst combined with their inability to work together made the likelihood of them ever figuring out what was really going on pretty slim.

Dude woke up with a killer hangover, half-naked in a strange place. A pretty typical morning, at least for Dude.

Struggling to clear the fuzziness from his mind and start the day he became aware that he was being watched.

“I see you’re awake now,” said Sally.

“Dude, err… umm… like, where am I?”

“I took you home with me last night Dude.” “You were pretty wasted and needed a hand.”

“Dude, like, umm… did we, uh…?”

“No Dude, we didn’t uh…” Sally smiled.

“Dude, like, too bad, ‘cause, like, you’re hot, like, smokin’, like ‘specially, like, for a cat, dude.”

Realizing what he had said and turning beet red Dude started back-pedaling “Dude, like, um.. I didn’t mean anything about you, like, being a cat, dude, like, or, like, umm… dude, like, you are smokin’ like, but like, dude, I don’t, like, mean to be, like, rude dude.”

“It’s all right Dude.” “Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll take you to breakfast.”

“Dude, like, cool, ‘cause like, dude I’m frickin’ starvin’ dude.”

After Dude dressed and finished his morning business the pair headed off to the commissary. Dude noticed that his surroundings were a bit different than he was used to and asked Sally about it. She gave him a basic explanation and since Dude had already become comfortable being surrounded by walking, talking, giant animals he had no trouble accepting it.

He also had no problem chalking up his headache to the previous nights partying. Even with Dude’s limited understanding and forgiving nature it was probably better that he was unaware of the fact that it was the implant the scientists had given him that was causing the pain.

Dude’s implant was about the size of a nickel and located under the skin behind his right ear. Designed to monitor his brain activity it transmitted the data back to the lab so the scientists could analyze it. The scientists could effectively “live” in Dudes mind so they could try to determine how to improve their deceptive cloaks. By knowing how the human mind gathered and processed data they could tune their cloaking devices to match.

The scientists had studied Dude for days and finally come to the conclusion that he had partied so much for so long that he had killed off most of his brain cells. Primed for survival Dude’s mind had tried desperately to compensate for the loss. The remaining cells had been re-prioritized to maintain critical body functions and had become extremely efficient at it as the load increased. However, there were no spare cells left for anything else. Dude was basically fool proof because of it. His mind had no capacity left for any kind of imagination or deception.

A rare individual to be sure, but also one that needed to be watched.

Even someone like Dude could cause trouble for the aliens. Most humans would write off most anything unusual he might claim as the ramblings of a burned out stoner and go on. Some, however, might listen. Since the aliens had been monitoring the planet full time for hundreds of years and recently managed to infiltrate all areas of the human population, that might be a problem. In the past the aliens interactions with the earthlings had not gone so well. Who could forget Atlantis, the pyramids, etc., or the more recent Roswell debacle.

It was decided that Dude would be kept at the Lunar Colony and the scientists would continue to study him to learn more about the amazing abilities of the human mind. Ted was assigned to be Dude’s keeper and become his friend. He would help Dude adjust to his new life at the Lunar Colony and be the liaison to the scientists.

It didn’t take long for the pair to become friends for real. Dude was a constant source of amusement for Ted and caused him to look at things in a whole new light, often leading to invigorating discussions with the scientists and new ideas about life, the universe and everything. Dude was glad to have a friend. Especially one that scored killer drugs and bailed him out of trouble.

Which is how they ended up in their current situation.

Dude had been partying with the son of highly distinguished official and things had gone from bad to worse. Unable to fathom neither the voracity nor capacity of Dude’s ability to consume drugs, the poor kid had tried to keep up and overdosed. That alone was tragic enough, but then Dude had tried to fix it.

Feeling bad enough about how much and how often he had to rely on his friend Ted to bail him out, Dude decided that this time he would handle it himself. In a moment of clarity apparent only to himself, Dude decided that if there wasn’t a body, there wasn’t a problem.

Rolling the corpse up in an area rug to conceal it from prying eyes, Dude then sat down to decide how to get rid of it. After a bit of deliberation, and some more drugs, Dude decided to take the body to an airlock and send it out to space.

Unbeknownst to Dude the scientists were aware that something was up due to the data coming in from his implant. They immediately sent for Ted and told him to find out what, exactly, was going on. Using the coordinates from Dude’s implant to track him down Ted wondered just what kind of trouble his friend had managed to get into now.

“Hey Dude, what’s up?” Ted asked as he walked up and saw Dude placing the body in one of the airlocks.

“Dude, like, umm… Dude, what are you, like, doing here, dude?” Replied Dude.

“I was just walking along the corridor when I saw you enter the airlock area and thought I’d say hello.”

“Dude, like, OK dude, like, umm… Hello, dude.”

“Why were you carrying a rug Dude?”

“Dude, like, what rug, dude?”

Ted sighed, “That rug Dude.”

“Dude, umm… Like, dude I needed to, like, throw it away dude.”

“Why?”

“Dude, like, umm… I’m sorry dude, like, I was just partying with this dude, dude, when like, dude, the dude like, keeled over dude.”

Ted wasn’t sure what that meant. “Keeled over?”

“Dude, umm… yeah, like, dude, I’m pretty sure the dude’s like, umm… totally, like, dead, dude.”

“How could that have possibly happened Dude?” “He seemed in perfect health to me earlier.”

“Dude, like, I’m pretty sure he OD’d dude.” “And dude, like I’m pretty sure, like, dude, like, this dude is, like, totally important dude, and like, dude, I didn’t, like, want us to get, like, into trouble, dude, so, dude, like, umm…”

“I’m having trouble following you Dude.” Ted said as he tried to work out what was going on. “You were doing drugs with the Chancellor’s son and he overdosed and died.” “Then trying to keep from getting in trouble you decided you would take care of the problem yourself.” “Am I right so far?”

“Dude, like, totally right dude”

“OK, so why are you in an airlock with the body?”

“Dude, like, I thought, like, dude, I’d like, send him out to space, dude and then, dude, like, we wouldn’t like, have to worry about it, dude.”

“But Dude, it was an accident right?” “You didn’t actually kill him.”

“Dude, like, no way, dude!” “At least, dude, I don’t, like, think so, dude, like, the dude was just a total party casualty, dude.”

“OK, Dude, we’ll get this worked out.”

“But, dude, I could just press this button right here, dude, and the whole thing would, like, totally go away, dude.”

“No my friend, we’ll just call the authorities and this will all work out.” “You’ll see.” Ted was even pretty sure that it was true.

“Dude, like, what’s happenin’, dude?” Wondered Dude aloud as he looked around in confusion.

As the alarm klaxons began to sound and the synthesized voice began voicing the airlock procedure Ted realized that in demonstrating his plan Dude had actually pressed the airlock cycle button. And then Ted remembered that for safety reasons the airlock cycle overrides were only accessible from outside the airlock itself. Resigned to becoming a blob of particulate matter never to be seen again from the explosive pressure differential as they were sucked out into the vacuum of space Ted sat down and began shaking his head.

His body beginning to violently react to the unnatural habitat of space, Ted’s last thought was, “Dude…”