Teleportation

So, you’re driving down the road, minding your own business, when you encounter a bottleneck. (It’s amazing how many of my rants start out with driving. That probably says something about me, but I digress.) A vehicle of questionable repair is moseying along at about half the posted speed limit with no place to go and all day to get there. A card carrying member of the Anti-Destination League. Lifetime charter membership. With platinum status.

After pulling off a few borderline illegal moves you finally get around them. Accelerating up to at least ten over the limit, you cruise to make up lost time and burn off your righteous indignation. Several blocks later you have calmed down and almost forgotten about it. When... Crap! Another slow down. What is the problem now? Working your way up through traffic you discover, lo and behold, the vehicle of questionable repair again.

How can this be? You have been driving for several minutes at a speed that the vehicle of questionable repair is incapable of achieving. There is no way that this could happen. You haven’t slowed down or stopped. You are pretty aware of the vehicles around you at all times and never once saw your nemesis pass you. What’s the deal? Have you offended the Gods?

Or what about the time at the mall?

You go in to get something. You have already scouted your purchase and just plan to grab what you need and go. Unfortunately Anti-Destination League’s cousin, the Anti-Shopper, is there first. Tying up all available clerks and floor people in an already understaffed store asking questions and debating the answers.

"What do you mean its $95.00! The ad I saw said it was 80% off! No I don’t have a copy of it! It’s not my job to keep track of your ads! The store next door has it for 50 cents! No I don’t want to buy it from them! I want to buy it from you! I’ve been a loyal customer for all of fifteen minutes and this is how you treat me! Where is your supervisor? I want to file a complaint! How do you people stay in business with an attitude like this! The customer is always right! Don’t you know that you moron! I don’t like this color. Can I get it in blue? It doesn’t come in blue? Just check in the back. Will you special order it for me at the sale price?"

And so on. Twenty minutes later you finally get to make your purchase from the exasperated clerk, exchanging sympathetic small talk while they ring you up. Heading out you see the Anti-Shopper rummaging through the bargain bin while they piss and moan to the rest of their party about the poor treatment they have received.

Since it is now a little past lunch and you’re hungry you decide to grab a bite to eat. You head off at a fast walk to the food court and select the restaurant of your choice. After standing in line for a while you notice that it’s not moving. And then you hear...

"What do you mean your pizza has tomato sauce? I’ve come here an absurdly large number of times and your pizza has never had tomato sauce before! I can’t believe you would put tomato sauce on a pizza! My baby is allergic to tomato sauce and can’t eat it at all! She will die if she eats tomato sauce! What do you mean your pizzas are pre-made and you can’t take the sauce off! I’ve never had sauce on my pizza before! Where’s your supervisor? I can’t believe you would treat a customer like this! I’m going to write a letter to the main office!"

You get the idea.

How did they get in front of you? You left them bickering at the bargain bin on the other side of the mall. They had strollers and bags and stuff to lug around. You are young and healthy and surely capable of getting across the mall much faster than them.

It must be...

Teleportation.

Particle physicists have found an odd little beastie they call the Quark. A Quark appears to skip in space when it is being tracked. It moves along in a straight line at a steady speed and then suddenly is much farther along than it was. Same Quark, same trajectory, just farther down the line. With no time elapsing in between.

In effect, teleportation.

To the best of my knowledge nobody understands how or why. Just that it happens. And only at the atomic particle level. They think.

But obviously it happens frequently in our daily lives. Think of all the evidence you have seen of it. The Anti-Destination Leaguers, the Anti-Shoppers and all the rest of the anti-whatever groups. Of course you never actually see teleportation. Never have you witnessed something or someone "blink" out of existence right in front of you.

And why does teleportation seem to only be available to slow things down? I mean, if you can jump through time to speed things up, why would you use it to slow something else down? You already are ahead of it. If you need more time, just jump farther ahead. I guess if a meteor was coming to wipe out the planet you could make a case for jumping ahead to slow it down, but otherwise it’s a waste.

It would be nice if teleportation sped up useful things.

The doctor rushing to the hospital could bypass the VW van with the "Visualize Whirled Peas" bumper sticker. The fire truck could get around the questionable vehicle that blocks the intersection because its driver is incapable of comprehending that the fire truck has the right of way under any circumstances and it is not OK to go ahead and make their left turn. The cop responding to a 911 call could get past the car parked blocking the side street so its owner could just bop in for a second at Starbucks and get a frappa-mocha-latte-grande and not have to waste precious minutes finding a legal parking space.

I mean, the Anti’s time is valuable, because they are important people. And what difference does it make anyway. Who cares? They certainly don’t.

Besides, they have the power to teleport and end up in your way again next time.